“Anxiety” by idavaag

This is a pretty good illustration on how I feel today.

I was hoping this week would be a lot more productive than it has been.

I need a little blog therapy….

I need to remind myself to breath too.

First off I cannot stand being lied to. Some people think that my being an open book is a fault…but at least you know where I stand..I am not hiding things from people…if I say I am going to do something I do it and if for some reason I can’t I tell you.

Last week was a challenge too. My husband had come home from my dad’s shop and said  he was told that we need to remove all of our stuff. I understand there is construction going on and stuff was in the way but to have to remove everything was a shock. Now I have piles of stuff everywhere. Some will go to The Creative Wedge, some was given away, some is piled up around the house waiting for a home, some under the bed, some to the thrift, and quite a bit thrown away. This is not helping my anxiety…stuff piled up everywhere. That was the last tie with dad…he still has the blueberry bushes…wonder if they will need to be removed too? I have been officially cut off…I expected it…it has been happening for years…little things here and there….and always some lie covering it up….the lie always exposed… I’d rather him just say…Hey you don’t deserve this than to tell me a fib. My feelings are hurt…as always with anything involving him. C’est la vie

Then we have the lease…this is my glitch this week….we received the first draft Friday Feb. 1 late in the afternoon. We couldn’t get into the lawyers to go over it until Wed. Feb.6…that evening Barbara sent an email with the few revisions and questions we had…no word on anything on Thursday…Thursday evening we hear that they were busy on another deal and it would be worked on Friday morning…no word…. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday…Tuesday Barbara sends a text..Tuesday afternoon we receive a copy of the email sent to the landlord with the date and time conveniently missing from the forwarded message. Wednesday another email is forwarded saying questions received…which proves they were not emailed until Tuesday afternoon.

When you tell little fibs they will catch up with you….you forget to cover your tracks….don’t tell me that the accountant can’t justify something and turn around 6 months later and justify it for someone else …don’t tell me you are working on my deal on Friday and then wait until Tuesday.

I don’t deserve to be lied too…no one does…

So here I sit…anxious as hell…stewing on things that irk me….things that I could let go if I were doing something productive….like working on the build out of our new store….or all the other things we can’t do until we sign the lease and have an address….

A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events and outcomes. It is a catalyst and it sparks extraordinary results. 

Wade Boggs 

Hey guess what…I am pondering again! LOL

No really I am pondering the idea of being a catalyst for change…

Let’s start with the definition that is appropriate for what we are talking about here:

I have been told by a few people that I am a catalyst for change and I was sitting here pondering why this is…what exactly does that mean… and how can others be this way…so I have been reading various thoughts on this on the internet and this is what I have come up with…

 I cried a river of tears last night

I let myself and didn’t hold back…I didn’t try and drink it away or take anything to make me sleep…I just held on to Al and cried (none of the other dogs would come near me)…I slept a while and woke up and cried some more..this time Al was asleep so I just lay and hand on Johnny B who was dozing peacefully next to me and watched TV until I slept again.

Now I am up and it is a new day..although I can’t say I feel quite as carefree as this fish…

and I look like complete hell… I do know that it is the first day of the rest of my life and it will get easier.

The world definitely shifted for me yesterday and it was kind of an appropriate day, being as it was the end of the world as we know it, for me to have closed a chapter to begin a new one.

I have so much to do….I better get started…first with two beasties who are driving me insane for a walk.

Image provided by Felt and Wire Shop

Yes folks…it is that time again…I am not going to apologize for my site not revolving around art these days…it is not where I am at right now…but I do enjoy it as a forum for my opinions…

This morning I am pondering Common Sense…where in the HELL has it gone…

I guess it started yesterday after reading an article by Tim Wise

Don’t misunderstand: It is certainly true that our entire culture has stigmatized mental illnesses — viewing them as somehow indicative of a weakness of will, or suggestive of an inherently dangerous tendency rather than the organic disorders they happen to be, and which usually do not result in homicidal rage — such that many who need help will not get it, their conditions remaining undiagnosed and untreated. But this dreadful reality has a special ring of truth to it in those places where people are particularly used to keeping up appearances, and where they have the material and social privilege that allows one to keep one’s dirty laundry in one’s proverbial closet rather than having it aired for all the world (as is normative in poorer places). Is it really so hard to imagine that in the “nice” and “quiet” communities where people are presumed to have their metaphorical shit together — and where being in firm possession of said shit is indeed a virtual condition of entry itself — those who manifest dysfunctional and pathological tendencies might remain hidden, unhelped, and precisely because to admit of their issues would be to cast doubt upon the unsullied virtue of Pleasantville and those who call it home?

….

Speaking of whom, can we really imagine a poor, urban, black or Latina mom successfully removing her disturbed child from the local public school so as to home school him, and then, in her spare time hauling him off to the shooting range to make sure he knew how to fire, among other things, an assault rifle? 

Common sense…if you have access to medical care for your child…USE it…don’t pretend nothing is wrong with him/her

and Do Not teach him/her how to use an assault rifle…WTF?

And of course these thoughts get my mind a’ racing to every other thing that irks me about people in their lack of common sense…

Disclaimer: I am by NO means a saint and have exercised my fair share of STUPID choices in life..I am not trying to be “Holier Than Thou”…I am simply stating my feelings and lessons learned..

Common Sense:

• Keep your weapons away from your children.
• Do not allow access of your weapons to any one of questionable mental stability
• Do not drink and drive
• Do not abandon your animals on the street…there are shelters everywhere
• Do not purposely get pregnant and then seek public assistance because you cannot afford it….

That one there really gets me..I guess I thought of that one when I was watching some NRA video where some ignorant redneck was exclaiming that it was her “God given right to bear arms”…I have heard that from folks who think they can have as many children as they want…that it is their God given right to reproduce…well that’s great but why do I have to pay for it?

• One more on pregnancy because this is another thing that irks the hell out of me…ladies, do not choose to have a baby without the man’s consent…do not expect them to change because you chose to have had that baby…it takes two to tango so include the other party in your plans.
• Do not play around with heroine and meth..etc…it is pretty well documented that they are addictive and disruptive to your life
• Don’t litter
• Don’t rob banks..that money is not yours

Ok Ok I am going a little crazy..but just trying to make my point…

Theeeeennnn I was thinking to about all the religious zealots…they want to blame tragedies on the lack of Jesus Christ being allowed in schools…I call bullshit…I know plenty of “good Christians” whose children have gone awry..mental illness has nothing to do with Christ folks! Wake up!

Well lucky for you folks it is time for me to go to work…

Practice Common Sense ya’ll it will do wonders for the world!

 I’m too sexy for my hat
Too sexy for my hat what do you think about that

I’m a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I shake my little touche on the catwalk

or should we say dogwalk!

Thank you Kristen for sending me Al’s photo shoot…now I can share it with all of Al’s fans!

 Hey folks!

Although aside from the picture above I have been busy the last few months working on The Creative Wedge with my friend and business partner Barbara….

This weekend in particular revolved around relaxation….it’s not to often one can disconnect and do nothing. It started early last week when I began to feel sick…not that being sick is particularly relaxing per say…but I guess I got a bug..headache, body ache, lack of appetite and upset stomach when I made myself eat. YUCK. For one of the first time in my life (and probably the last) I was able to call in sick without putting anyone totally out. So I took advantage of it…well kind of..I did attempt to go in both days and made it a few hours..got the few jobs that are my responsibility done and came home. I slept and slept…and slept. Of course last week was Thanksgiving…I was trying to take care of myself so I could enjoy a day with my mom and Chris…I was successful…between sleep, aspirin and lots of pepto I made it through and actually enjoyed my day…then proceeded to sleep for another 12 hours straight.

Soooo by Friday I feel completely relaxed and have released the poverty consciousness that I usually hold so tight….

River are a good reminder that life isn’t always the straight and narrow path you envisioned. I was pondering this thought this morning while walking Al and Sadie.

We are taught that you set your goal, achieve it and then you are set on the path to be that normal human in society…staying in the straights and narrows…or as my husband likes to say…a robot

Some people fight the flow…stay in unhappy marriages, unfullfilling jobs, and uneventful cities because they are afraid …but return to that river thought I was pondering…if look at that river from above you see that it does keep flowing, it is not going to abruptly end…and trap you somewhere awful…it can lead you to exciting and sometimes turbulent times…

Calm and fun times…

and sometimes into the vast blue ocean…

You just never know where it will lead you and that is the fun part!…for me at least…

Hmmm that was a lot of pondering there….it all started on that walk with the dogs…I like dogs because they make you get up and take action..you have to they are hungry for food, love and attention…all the time! I was thinking how walking the dog was my primary exercise…then there was an injury with one of the dogs which made me stop walking…so I started practicing yoga…but had some issues with that and was a slug for a while…out of the walking routine I begin to swim….then Al comes into the picture…this dog needs to be walked…a lot…big dog has been healed for sometime and should be walked as well…so here I am again…walking as my primary exercise…

I could force it all….practice yoga X amount of nights a week, swim so many mornings and walk dogs later in the day…I could run myself ragged trying to keep all of the things I started but I can’t, I’d go crazy if I were pushing myself that hard…especially since there is a life to live beyond exercise….soooooo my point is…I am goin’ with the flow…at this particular time in my life my exercise will revolve around these beautiful, pesky four legged fur kids of mine.

No it’s time to go to the dentist…..have a good day folks!

I lay awake for most of the night last night thinking about the fear of change and also the financial repercussions of a major life changing event.

Fortunately my change is a planned change…no unexpected illness or catastrophic event is causing this…95% of the time I am upbeat and positive of this venture and it’s eminent success. I feel it deep down in my heart. I know I am doing what is right for me and my soul.

Unfortunately to do what’s right for me it affects others… my employer (aka Dad) and my husband. Dad will recover, he had been in business a long time  before I came there and will continue fine with out me. So although it may be an inconvenience for him that I am not there it won’t be the end of his business. My husband is a different story. I see the manifestation of his stress level almost daily now. He tries to remain upbeat and supportive…but he is my husband and I can see what it is doing to him. I am trying to keep the lines of communications open…I don’t want any resentments to come up…from either if us…

For years now we have talked about change…living a life that we would be excited to greet each day and was fulfilling …blah blah blah…I know you have had the conversations with your loved ones…but there comes a time where you have to shut up and just do it…I saw this picture this morning on facebook….

so true….

One of my husbands worry is financial…understandably so..but his comment that “nothing can change” and “we can’t go backwards” is a little unnerving to me. At first I had assured him nothing would change but I realize now that statement is a lie. While awake in bed last night I was thinking about what our finances have gotten us…good things like a new energy efficient boiler, roof, windows and kitchen and then all the frivolous things that we can easily live without. Just because I can buy pretty much whatever I want whenever I want doesn’t buy me happiness. ..most of that stuff ends up at the thrift store..it’s stuff. The things that make me happy are him, our cozy home and our 3 dogs. Between the two of us we can manage on much less. That I am sure of.

My friend and mentor Lynn told me …

“what I always ask myself is… when I take my last breath what will be important  … the experiences I gather or the money I leave in my bank account ….”

So folks,, thanks for reading…I just needed a little blog therapy…I feel better now..thanks!

Good Morning World….here are some shots of the 99.9% finished kitchen!

I did it…but unfortunately I snapped and was in tears before I even began.

Although Chris was proud if me he did say that is where I failed.

I can’t help it, I am super emotional and I was suffering and that just leads to crying.

What did I do?

I told my dad I was leaving the family business.

I might as well have been asking Chris for a divorce because that is how painful it was.

But it had to be done. It is time for me to move on. It has been time but I needed the lightening bolt of inspiration….which finally came….with a little help from my mom…thanks mom!

There are many reasons I came to this conclusion but the bottom line is I need to be living up to my potential…I need to shine like the star I am..

I am grateful for the opportunity to have worked in the family business. I am grateful for all that I have learned and how much I have grown in the 12 years I have been there. I am grateful for knowing the awesome employees that have been so faithful to my dad.

Although I cried for like 6 hours straight…I was confident in the saying of…..

And fortunately it is….

So what the heck am I up to?

WELL….I am going into business for myself!

Doing what?

Hmmm it is quite detailed. But I will soon be setting up a web site to share my adventures in starting a business….

In a nutshell…I want to sell food and art….my two favorite things…mainly CHEESE…I am an aspiring cheesemonger…but would like to get connected with a butcher…sell a little wine and beer for the one stop shoppers…and artful gifts…I see a future if selling to restaurants, on line sales, and cooking classes.

I do not want to have a restaurant…I just want to sell food. Share my love of food and inspire others to eat well!

And art of course…handmade artful goodness…

But I need help, I have never been in retail but it just so happens that I have developed a relationship with someone who has! She is awesome. A wonderful woman who is kind, talented and funny. She is a good balance for my personality and I look forward to many years of working with her.

I have let the cat out of the bag so I feel comfortable going public with all of this…she is not…so in an effort to protect her identity we will call her Fonda D’Art  until she is ready to be revealed.

 We are pretty far out from an opening…looking at next spring….but that is where the new web site will come in…everyone can stay up to date on our progress in the opening of….drum roll please……

The Creative Wedge  An Artisan Market