I became aware this week that I have a pretty major roadblock I need to jump over. Sometimes you think you are getting all your crap worked through then BAM you find another issue that needs your attention.
What caused this revelation. Three simple words. You. Deserve. This.
Ummm, who ME? No way. I literally have a physical reaction to those words. The veins in my head tighten up, I get nauseous, and my skin gets all prickly. This is nothing new, it always happens when I receive praise such as that. But this time I realized, hey ding dong, there is something going on here and ya gotta get through it. This response is totally holding me back. This is unacceptable, and I intend to change it!
I know exactly where it all stems from, the little nasty jerk in my head is spouting off at me right now. She spouts off her own hateful banter but she also likes to replay the soundtracks of every rotten thing told to me throughout my whole life. I am not even going to repeat all that nastiness. I am just going to begin ripping that tape up. Because you know what? I ain’t got time for that.
Yesterday and in the middle of last night I wasn’t so positive. But as I drove to yoga today I realized I think the word I need to embrace is not deserve but WORTHY. I will start working on it now but it will definitely be my word for 2018. Worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy to receive praise. I am worthy to receive love. I am worthy to receive success, abundance, happiness….
Maybe by becoming worthy I can accept the word deserve. I don’t know, we’ll see where that goes. But I have mad tools at my disposal. I am making new friends who are enriching my life daily. I have the magical power of oils, yoga, Zumba, dogs, massage etc. to help me through this journey. I started a 21 day meditation challenge 9 days ago and although everyday has hit home with the theme of Making Every Moment Matter yesterday was pretty profound and I actually had to do the mediation twice. I copied this from their page to share….
Day 8 – The Wounds of Time Can Be Healed
“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.” – Amit Ray
The wounds of time are the negative experiences of our past or our anxieties about the future. These memories and negative emotions hinder our ability to fully remain in the present moment. We begin to heal these emotional debts by noticing our reactions to triggering situations. We observe our responses without judging or condemning them. This simple act of letting conscious awareness be present and alert to our reactions will begin to heal these old wounds. In today’s meditation, we experience this conscious awareness in the stillness of our mind.
This post didn’t end being what was running through me head in the middle of the night, and I am grateful for it. I have spent a lot of time in the past blogging about WHY I am the way I am, and although it was helpful at the time because I needed to get it out, I am done with that. From now on I will blog about what I am doing to help myself through radical self care that will eventually help me embrace being worthy, and whatever else comes to light that needs fixing!