I am feeling a bit disheartened this morning.
I am not sure if I am an overachiever, have ADD, obsessive compulsive, a fool or what. I KNOW I have the tendency to take on way to much. But I cannot help it, my brain never stops. Ever. That’s why I sleep with the TV on, so I can’t think. What sucks about my personality is that I cannot focus on one thing all the time. I can’t say, for example, “I am an artist and this is my medium”. I can’t nail down anything and give it 100%. My mom used to call me Harriet Half Ass when I was little and I can see why. I always, always bite off more than I can chew. And then I am like WTH have I gotten myself into. It doesn’t help me either when someone lectures me on why I should not have gotten myself into this that and the other. It doesn’t help when they say, you need to learn how to relax, you need to do thiiiis, you need to do thaaaaaat. You don’t need to do what you are doing. All that does is make me angry, want to prove you wrong, all you are doing is fanning my fire and pushing me away. What people don’t understand is that it I am me and you are you. I cannot help the way I am, I was born this way. This is probably why I used to drink so much. Sometimes I think drinking is a viable alternative. Then I could sit around and do nothing because I would be incapacitated, but alas it makes me sick and I cannot. If I was still a drinker of that level I would be dead, I know this for a fact. Probably the biggest problem with myself back then is that I was stifling my true self and I knew it deep inside which would make me depressed and not want to live. But this is not where I intended this post to go. Let me get back on track.
First off I usually have a reason for why I bite off more than I can chew. Well, most of the time. I bought a house because I needed a place to live and wanted 4 walls of my own and a yard for my dog(s). Luckily Chris came along at the right time and has helped me maintain this situation. Without him I wouldn’t have the nice home that I have now. Then you have the business. I was very unhappy in the situation I was in and needed a change. My mom suggested I go into business, I met Barbara and the rest is history. So these two things are a necessity….roof over head and a job. Everyone has to have that and a lot of people are satisfied with just that. I sometimes wish I was that way but as he old saying goes…wish in one hand shit in the other. I don’t think this is what the universe has in mind for me.
Being an artist is a constant struggle. I have to make stuff, there are no if ands or butts about that. Every time I say…OK this is it, this is what I am going to do and only this…oh look a squirrel. I mosaic a ceiling, build a wall, buy a bunch of stuff to learn how toooooo make jewelry, sculpy, watercolors…..blah blah blah.
But then I need cash flow. I am an independent woman with a husband who excepts that and is also not in a position to support me 100%. I do not, ever, never ask for money from my family. Ever. I threw up a little just now thinking of that. Asking dad or Popooh for money would be admitting defeat. I’d have to be loosing my house or have a terminal illness before I asked them for anything. So, I have a great house, the business, the husband and the dogs and I AM happy with these things even though I might not seem to be. I am happy and don’t want to interfere with them but I need money. (another blog post “no I am not a millionaire after two years in business, I am in debt). OK, I don’t want to do anything that takes away from said biz, man, pups…I am creative so lets make something that can earn this moolah…I have to be making something at all times anyways, might as well make something that folks want to buy. So that is where I am now, attempting to come up with creative designs to put on towels and coasters to sell to my biz, other businesses, and on Etsy. Sometimes it’s fun, sometimes it’s like work. Hopefully I will come up with a line of things that I am satisfied with and will provide the extra income I need.
Theeeeeen we have the dogs.
This is what started this whole whooooa as me blog post. That I suddenly feel like I am wallowing in self pity because I am a scattered, broke dork who is whining away at her first world problems. But hey, this is where blogging is therapeutic, lets me observe my situation from another angle. Aaaaannnyways back to my whining.
I had school with Frank last night. You see, I have 4 dogs of varying degrees of badness. Sadie is the oldest, had to get her when Petey died so Johnny B had a friend and to fill that hole in my heart after loosing her. Al, he just wandered up, so I actually didn’t seek him out even though the universe knew I’d like another small dog because JB was getting old and Sadie would be lonely without him. OK, JB dies it’s Sadie and Al, who are really good, chill dogs. A few minor issues but all in all great, well mannered companions. So here is where I probably bit off more than I could chew….Frank. But in my defense I felt it baaaaaad that he needed to come live with us, kind of like baby fever I suppose. I look into his eyes and I know I have made the right decision. He is an awesome dog, full of love and joy. But he is young and a terrier and always up to no good. OK, now lets bite off even moooore, lets get him a friend because the other two don’t pay him much mind. Here comes Mae. Who is equally as awesome as the rest of them and even though she is ill tempered with others she is fairly well behaved (minus a little naughtiness here and there, like TABLE surfing) and that is what makes me realize Oh Hell, what have I done. Frank is bad and I feel like I am out numbered and out of control, it’s a doggie free for all here in the Solanto house. I decided to take Frank to school. Week 5 was last night. This morning I have been moping around the house because I feel like I am failing him. He is a smart dog who is eager to please. He could excel in training if I was better. I am struggling with the commands combined with this hand, that foot. You really have to know your left and rights and have to have your timing down so the dog can learn. I love, love, love my teacher and she is trying her best to help us help our dogs. I feel like I am failing miserably, like I am spread so thin with other obligations that I am not doing him justice. I am failing him. I am not dedicating the time that is needed to succeed…because I have bitten off more than I can chew. Frank and Mae are energetic dogs and it is relaxing for me to walk in the state park and at the beach…relaxing if the dogs behave that is. I am having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel this morning. Having a hard time seeing Frank and Mae well behaved dogs walking TOGETHER on a leash and not acting out. Mae is good on her own, but Frank is not and together he gets her riled up and she becomes bad. I don’t want to ruin all the work Jessica (foster mom) put in with her and I want to give her the life she deserves.
Oy…..this is my head today…and now I am running late to pick Barbara up and drive to North Carolina together stuff for shop. Luckily the pups are all very dozy this morning and no one has requested a walk or any attention for that matter. Maybe when I started blowing my nose from the little bit of crying I did scared them all away. Yeah, told you it was a pity party…there were tears!
I am going to take my Eeyore behind and get a move on.