Yesterday was a long day for me. Too long. And honestly I am not feeling much better about things today. But today I will get up and get out. I have too or I won’t get better.
I would so rather be angry than melancholy. I am productive with anger. I have energy when I am angry. Melancholy on the other hand is listless, useless wasting of my precious life.
I sit here this morning with tears in my eyes pondering these feelings and working through them. What has spiralled me into this mood, I am pretty sure it was the three beers I had Saturday. Three. Granted they were pints, and incredible tasty craft beers. I ate a hearty meal earlier in the day. I was hydrated. But it was a long day with a lot of stimulation. Another trigger. I have too many triggers which is why it is often best I live in my own little world. But I know I need to be around people because too much isolation is not healthy either. So where is the balance? Life is indeed a dance of balance and moderation.
But three beers? As a woman who had, unfortunately, spent her 15 + of her formative years as a heavy drinker 3 beers IS moderation. The tables have turned for sure, it is a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it is days like yesterday that make me 150% positive that my moderation and/or abstinence are the reason I am alive today. It is also the reason I am married and have a healthy relationship, it is why I own my own business, it is why I can create art. But mainly it is my life. Your mind and body probably aren’t wired like mine, but I know some of you are so if you ever need to talk rest assured I am here for you.
A curse. It is a curse because if you are not wired the way I am you think that I am being overly dramatic. That it is all in my head. Folks who do not understand like to make you feel that you are no fun, that you cannot be any fun if you do not drink. Granted, there are a lot of situations I avoid, that I once enjoyed, but don’t because the repercussions of binge drinking are not worth it. Casual relaxed atmospheres are more likely to have me drinking in moderation whereas high energy, lots of people has me out of control. Totally out of control and then low for days on end. Triggers. You have got to know your triggers. It just really sucks that I have come to a point in my life where three beers is too much. There is literally a tear in my beer, it is like saying goodbye to an old friend. But I won’t totally say goodbye, I will readjust and try one tasty pint of craft beer or maybe two really light not so crafty beers next time.
I type this because not because I want you to come up with a solution, there is nothing you can say or do for me, it is my baggage and my baggage alone but A. it is very theraputic for me to write. B. because you are probably my friend if you are reading this and I want you to try and understand me.
C. you might know someone else like me. If you do, do not try and overanalyze them. Do not criticize them for their choices. Do not make them feel like they will not be any fun if they do not drink. Do not tell them it is all in their head. Do not tell them that they should change their beverage of choice, or to do such and such drug instead. Do not suggest they have a water between each drink, do not suggest that they eat bread beforehand….oh yeah, I have heard it all. Do not EVER make anyone feel unworthy because they need to be who THEY are and not what you want/need them to be. If you ever do do these things you are not truly their friend, you do not care about them. You are selfish.
Yesterday was a day that only one who suffers from things as I do will understand. I am grateful that my husband gave me the space that I needed. Today as I sit here and type, still with tears in my eyes I know that I have to get up and get out and I will feel much better after some fresh air and exercise with the two terrorists. We are headed to the park to hike. I knew I needed to go yesterday, I wanted too, I said I was going but I ended up back in bed. Today I will make myself go. Bye Bye